1. “Hm well I don’t normally drink juice, but this looks kinda good.” 2. “Alright I’ll give it a try.” 3. -__- (Taken with Instagram)

1. “Hm well I don’t normally drink juice, but this looks kinda good.” 2. “Alright I’ll give it a try.” 3. -__- (Taken with Instagram)

It’s amazing what kind of creatures can be uncovered by a flash. I’m pretty sure this is some sort of sea monster.

It’s amazing what kind of creatures can be uncovered by a flash. I’m pretty sure this is some sort of sea monster.

Being Forgotten by Tony Dungy is the Worst

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Trust me on this one. 

Originating from my hometown of Jackson, MI (currently the proud holders of the 3rd highest teen pregnancy rate in the state) Tony Dungy and my dad were buds back in the day, whatever that year may be. He’ll brag about it nonchalantly but he’d never tell you guys that he saves Mr. Dungy’s voicemails for as long as possible to “accidentally” play them on speakerphone flaunt it too much. 

Moving on.

It all started on spring break in Florida when I was about 12 years old and Tony was still the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Our family was offered a tour of the stadium, so naturally we obliged. I was young enough to not give a shit about what was really happening, so I took the initial introduction to the structure as the perfect time to go get a beverage. A Diet Coke to be exact. I was given the FIVE EFFING DOLLARS that it took to retrieve such an item and went on my way. 

Take the dollar machine. Come on. What if I turn it this way. No? I’m giving you money come on.

No avail.

I trotted back (how I imagine all 12-year-olds to carry themselves) to where I left my entire family. Gone, naturally. It wouldn’t feel like a family vacation if I wasn’t left at point A while my loving family departed for point B. I glanced down a large corridor and saw a door close after the tail-end of a group. I sat pounding at that door and dodging security guards (awkward ages call for awkward action) for an hour. My family had forgotten me but most importantly Tony fricken Dungy forgot about me. As this foreshadowed, my life after this has never seen an ounce of promise.

I’ll close this with what my Father said to me as I was hysterical and bawling my 5th grade eyes out and incredibly inappropriately too soon after I was discovered:

"Come on Jane, one day you’ll be able to look back at this and laugh…. right?"

He’s wrong and I hate myself. And Diet Coke.

I highly suggest watching this guy, Ahmed Bharoocha. He’s a comedian out of Los Angeles and is also in a group called Dead Keven Sketch that has some high-LARIOUS videos. Ahmed teams up with Ryan O’Flanagan and Jack Robichaud, two other LA comedians, to make up the Dead Kevin trio. They come out with a new video every Monday, so check their stuff out- but only if you want to pee your pants.

Just debating who to steal internet from. I’m pretty sure all of these are names given after gang initiation, and that bread guy seems pretty pissed, so I’ll just move somewhere else..

Just debating who to steal internet from. I’m pretty sure all of these are names given after gang initiation, and that bread guy seems pretty pissed, so I’ll just move somewhere else..

"Hey guys, do you think people will know that this display is like, happening?"
"Hmm, what?"
"Maybe we should, ya know, put a sign on it to let everyone know it’s there."
"Don’t you think it’d be more of a hindrance than anyth- Oh, ok it’s up."

"Hey guys, do you think people will know that this display is like, happening?"

"Hmm, what?"

"Maybe we should, ya know, put a sign on it to let everyone know it’s there."

"Don’t you think it’d be more of a hindrance than anyth- Oh, ok it’s up."

I Can’t Wait to Lie to My Kids

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This is the parking lot of JCPenny’s in my hometown of Jackson, MI. To the untrained 5-year-old eye that dark area looks like big, friggin’ fun, pool. 

My brother Brian and I constantly begged my mom for the chance to go swimming in that pool, a chance that she continued to falsely promise would one day happen. 

She let us take our bathing suits to JCPenny on multiple occasions. Yet, without fail, the final conclusion would be that we “didn’t have enough time now” or she “forgot her swimsuit”. This went on for years.

We stopped asking, and eventually found out it is some sort of water drainage system. Kids, the lesson learned here is to take initiative to go swimming in ANY POOL YOUR HEART DESIRES. And also to never trust your parents.